I felt so empty. Loneliness shrouded my being. I am starting my life over and I am trying to go on. Yet, it wont get out of my head. It keeps on ringing and its echoes resonates the difficulties I am going through.
The sky was starting to darken, the wind blow strong and leaves are falling as the birds hurriedly nestled down. The rain dropped one by one… until it poured hard.
So I went out to the field as the rain poured down on me. As each drop trickles down my face, it didn’t give me solace and happiness as it did once made me when I was still a child. Looking back during my childhood, the rain brought so much delight as I ran around, feeling the cold rain drop. Now, not even a trace of that single joy gave comfort.
As the rain made me wet, I longed for the love that would fire and make my heart burning with love again. It was cold and I was starting to numb all over.
So I decided to head back home. Took a hot drink to warm me up. I waited for the rain to stop. The waiting was killing me. Silence filled the room. The only sound I could hear was the rain and the beat of my heart. I could hear my breathe faintly, grasping for air. For quite some time the rain continued to pour. As I waited, many memories were re-lived. The good memories we shared, the laughters, the many late nights spent, early morning walks, breakfast, how she would cook me my favorite foods. Spending afternoons watching television series.
Out in the window I continued to gaze. Everything was wet and struggling as the rain poured hard. I wonder if they too felt the coldness I felt when I was outside. The path where I used to walk was now covered with water as the street was now flooded. As my gaze becomes endless, my mind whispered so many things and it pounded me to wake up and see reality of everything.
I came back to those times when it was so difficult. When I was making my life difficult, whenI could have been happy and fighting. But I was on my feet, sobbing in tears. How I ran away instead of facing up the obstacle. How I was blinded instead of seing the beauty around. I could have been moving on and continue to live and feel, yet I never let myself heal. I could have linger on to making myself better, yet engrossed so much on my lossing.
I look back at those times when I was going after what ran away. My mind was pre-occupied on thoughts of winning back what I thought would make me happy and complete.
In my effort of making things become how it was before way back then, I had forgotten that there were so many things in my life that would still make me happy even if the loss was that much; that there are still so many things that can fill the void and space.
I had sacrificed a lot, even lost more than what I deserve to lose. The more I struggle to get back at everything, the more elusive it become. The more I make my move, the more I grasped for breathe… choking me.
For a while my thoughts were deep. The place so silent and peaceful. As the rain sipped down deep in the ground, so was my realization sinking in my head. It was now clear to me.
The sky was starting to brighten up as time goes by minute by minute. The horizon clear and calm. I cold now see rays of light that made the earth glimmer and shine. The rain had stopped and the birds are flying now.
I went out to the field again. It is still wet and cold. I could now see the path as I walked out to the open. I stood still, savoring the moment, the calmness of the place and the cold breeze. The silence was not defeaning anymore.
As I turn to move, I saw butterflies happily flying in their freedom. I’ve walked away and as I moved, I realized that I had been chasing butterflies when I could have searched for the rainbow.
I left, with a smile.